Gap years are common for students, especially those who wish to travel or want/need to work for a while. However, I never saw myself being someone who needed to take a gap year and I certainly never saw myself needing to undergo and recover from major surgery. But life is unpredictable and has a way of surprising us, for better or worse.
Over the last year, I had lots of time to ponder life—everything from haircuts and books to sexuality and life goals. Now that I am back at school, I have reflected upon my gap year and see some lessons and knowledge I can apply to life more broadly. Maybe you’ll find some of them useful or inspiring, too.
Now, I will not pretend these are all fluffy, cheerful, or exaggeratedly hopeful reflections. They are real and honest but do have undertones of hope and mental healing, of accepting life as is, and learning how to live a fuller life.
Healing is not linear
I have heard this, and I knew it in the back of my mind. It was always about trauma healing and mental health coping strategies, though I knew logically it applied to physical healing, too. That did not make it any easier when my post-op did not go as planned. Knowing healing has no strict path and trying to maneuver said path are two completely different things.
I knew healing was different for everyone and was not linear. I knew chronic pain, especially back pain, was unpredictable and flare ups happened for no apparent reason. Knowing this did not prepare me for how much it sucked, for lack of better words. It sucked and it was frustrating and disconcerting. However, the quicker I accepted that healing was not linear and that there would be ups and downs, the better. If I could accept the fluctuations in my healing, I could approach it all with a more open mind, and focus more of my energy on coping rather than being frustrated and self-pitying.
Which brings me to my next reflection:
Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose
Perhaps what made my disjointed healing so frustrating was that I did everything right. The surgery was a success physically and I followed the recovery plan, but my chronic pain returned (not to the same extent as before the surgery, but it still was difficult). I did everything right, but something is still wrong. I fought, and I still lost.
But I have to remind myself that I did do everything right, and I did fight. Sometimes things just do not happen like they “should” and that sometimes the body does not react like the odds say it will. Sometimes, you try your best and you fail. Recognizing this does not make my physical pain any better, but it makes the mental pain of it easier. I cannot blame myself for my pain when I followed the doctor’s orders. I went about the recovery plan, and I did what I was supposed to. I cannot beat myself up and say I did not try hard enough when there is only so much I can do.
Sometimes you just lose, and it is not your fault.
You can change your mind a hundred times until the decision feels right
On a different note, while recovering, I was also trying to figure out my life. Before my surgery was scheduled, I had been enrolled in a post-undergrad program. Then life happened, and I had to put my health first. So, my plans got upended and I was suddenly lost. I started debating if the program would have even been right for me or if I was only searching for a quick way to get a job related to my passion. I started worrying about what my future might look like.
I started to consider countless options and went back and forth about what I wanted to do. It was tedious and frustrating at times, but it was worth it in the end because now I am confident in my plan and sure of what I want to do. It is okay to change your mind, to go back and forth, and to be uncertain. You do not have to know with one hundred per cent certainty what you will do or if you will like something. You can always go back and change course.
You don’t have to have all the answers
Related to my previous point, it is okay not to know everything. There is no shame in saying that you do not know or are unsure. People are nosy; you will be asked by well meaning individuals what you want to do and what your plan is. While this may be well intended, it doesn’t make you feel any less confused or lost. You are allowed to take the time and space you need to figure it all out. It is okay to admit you do not know. It is okay to admit you have doubts and uncertainties. It is okay not to have the answers, for others and yourself.
You do not need to know everything all the time. You can let go of that unrealistic expectation of yourself and try to accept that “I do not know” is a valid answer.
Don’t settle on your dreams
It can sometimes be easier to take the shorter path that runs parallel to your dream rather than take the longer one that will eventually take you right there. Chasing your dreams is daunting. It is hard. It takes work. But that does not mean you should not strive for them anyway.
The program I was going to take would have allowed me to find a job similar to my dream. After all those months being home, recovering, thinking about who I am and what I see for my future, I realized life is way too short to settle on anything if you have the choice. I deserve to chase a life that excites me and makes me want to keep going. I deserve to strive for dreams that will fulfill me in ways I cannot imagine. I deserve to achieve my dreams.
And you deserve that, too.
Written by: Jennifer Osborne, Symmetry Writer, and Editor
